a journal entry

23 september 2011

Through our sedation we forget how quickly and easily we, as humans, can adapt and grow. We can change in an instant if we open up our lives and allow ourselves to. And I guess that's the point of what I do... I aim to make others feel love, safe and accepted so that they will unfold and shine as themselves. I learned this technique through starvation. All of my life, never did I feel like I could be 100% my self. All ways I was pigeonholed and, of course, all ways it was unintentional. We are what we know and, often, I just met confusion when I exhibited a side of myself that others did not recognize. Which was fine, more than fine actually, because it helped me distinguish true love and acceptance - which is an ability I am so grateful to now possess.
Truthfully, all of us wander the abyss. It's a little different for everyone but, overall, it's dark, isolating, scary, and can feel like there is no way out of it. Some of us experience it early. Some of us experience it quickly. Some of us experience it late. Some of us never experience it until the end of this existence. And, that's just the cycle we each fall on at some point.
Me? I see myself as fortunate because, just like everyone, I experienced abuse, pain, turmoil and horror growing up. But, me, I experienced a lot more than the majority of the people I know all by a very early age. Then, determined to change my life because I wanted to be healthy and happy, I dove in to all areas I thought might be able to teach me something. I studied Psychology, Nutrition, Yoga, Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, Qi Gong, Pilates, Dance, Meditation, Sustainable Living, Stress Management, Finance, Buddhism and Holistic Health... to name a few things. I also explored creative expression and, ironically, I found that expression to be the most important part. Because, no matter what we realize or experience, if we have no way of drawing it out and sharing it with others we have no choice but to become stagnant. Our body, quite literally, can only contain so much. So, if we don't find a way to release the energy created during intense thought processes/realizations, (which is exactly what we go through when true healing occurs), then we reach our quota and can not continue further. And, for most of us, this means we have no option but to revert back to our old habits... Leaving us not sure what went wrong when we find that we are simply unable to continue forward.

It's the most odd and ironic predicament possible ~ I Am Aware. And, truthfully, it's only something I have recently been able to pinpoint and master (and I've been focusing on this for about eight years now). The objective is to remain in a state of continual emptiness which, truly, translates to a constant state of openness and readiness. When we hold nothing, both materially and metaphorically, we are prepared in every moment to receive whatever it is life brings us. Whether it's a gift or a lesson we can never know but every second affords us the opportunity for growth if we let it. In this life we are living beings. Just like a tree, just like any animal, we progress through stages of development. Over time we get bigger in size, we will be presented with situations where we literally have to fight for our survival, we learn to take what we need in order to move forward, and eventually we die due to old age/illness or an unfortunate accident. This is our progression regardless of who we are or what we do. Our only choice then, truly, is to optimize each step. We must never waste a moment because each is an experience to advance. We, each and every individual, choose the rate of our progress. We move as quick or as slow as we wish to. Nothing, once we are an adult, holds us back. Only we do. It's easy to point the blame at money, or family, or work... but we are only in these situations because each night we lay our heads in them so, each morning, we have no option but to wake up within them. If we wish for a pattern to break we have to take the initiative to change it. Opportunity is endless. There are an infinite amount of ways each life can be lived and, with dedicated consciousness, one can change their life at any moment and actualize any single one of them.

It all comes back to that holding nothing. Yes, we must all ways give love and appreciation for the things we are fortunate enough to have but we must never covet our possessions. Be they loved ones or a valued commodity. The truth is that, at any moment, any thing could happen. A major gas line could blow, a meteor could hit, a tsunami or quake could come, a car or other traumtic accident may occur right this second and end every thing as we know it. Truly, any thing can happen at any second. The point is not to have fear, no, never covet that either. The point is to be bursting with gratitude for your fortune is having the good life that you do! Are you breathing? Do you have a safe and warm place to lay your head? Clothes to cover your body? Loved ones to share laughter and hugs with? Food that is nourishing? A place where you can be free and let go as your self? Yes? Then you are blessed! So beyond blessed... You should be joyous in every moment for you have lived and are prepared for whatever this world gives you. Whether it's a deadline or an obstacle, it does not matter. It will be easy. Even if it's death or a fight to damn well near it. You'll make it. Whether it's on this side or the next. Life is an adventure, above all else. One that requires us to be confident, purpose full, and daring. Never forget it and the rewards, I promise, will be more than plenty.


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