a story.

written in Hawai'i.

xo

a fictional autobiography metaphorically correct

"And So I Was Silent"

Her name was Josephine but she never liked it. Too obviously dichotomous. So, she never introduced herself. In fact, she avoided the use of names all together until that awkward moment, the extending of his hand, that required her to say something. "It's a pleasure to meet you... _______?" And, then the stare. The question. The wonderment. Sometimes she made something up. Whatever felt right. In that moment. Rarely did she see them again. Throughout the world she was known as Kim, as Susan, as Tiffany, as Dove. Never, Joe. The name she called herself.

She felt more male than female, which is what she hated the most. Her beauty was a curse and she often hid behind bad haircuts and clothes, hoping no one would know. How she hadn't been raped was a mystery for, once, she was vulnerable.

But that was a long time ago.

Now, now she'd been alone so long she no longer knew what it would be like to be with someone. Wandering, always. Wandering in her life of servitude.

If she was religious she'd be God's Number One. But she wasn't. Religious. Not at all.

She had this belief that God resided in the individual. It was the power that is right in the middle. Which is why she hated her name. It split her in half. Little did she realize that in Divinity was exactly where she was at.

Sometimes, the truth, it is so apparent we don't even realize it.

She'd forgotten her age a long time ago. That is, if she'd ever known it at all. Each day, wandering, in the moment. That was all she'd known.

People loved it. Literally. Totally. They needed it. Which she'd known.

That is why she chose to live life this way so long ago.

She came from a mother and father she'd given up on ever getting to know. They had been gone almost from the beginning as well. Just a name. Just a life. That's all they gave before, they too, wandered somewhere else.

There were people who had loved and provided food, shelter, but they too were gone now. Her stay was always known to be temporary. She had no attachment. Not to people and not to things. But, animals.. Nature... Those things she loved dearly.

She decided to dedicate her life to love because it was always the one thing she yearned for most. After she had seen parents with their children and partners... it broke her heart. The very staple of existence was unknown to her and she knew she suffered, always, because of it.

She knew there were others who wandered like her. Alone. Seeking connection and love. These were the people she drew out in every crowd. And, these were the people she lied to. Most.

She'd realized, long ago, that she was supposed to be alone. Her power was to help others, not rely on them, this she learned long ago through trial and error most. Her void, it was so vast, she'd lost people in it. No one could comprehend or mend her darkness but how she appreciated every attempt. No one knew before they wandered in to it.

Now it was a door kept closed and only opened when securely alone. The depth of the pain, of year after year of attachment, broken, was more than anyone could bare. Especially her.

Especially her.

So, living : Here. Now. Among Strangers that loved her because they did not know her. That was her life now. Most days she was happy as she listened to birds, watched clouds, and hugged trees. But, every night, alone in a new place and a new bed, caused the pain and darkness to spread. Though she was living each day in love she never received enough. Until she met Joshua.

He caught her off-guard. As the best do. He first came to her a long time ago, too. Lies. She'd given him Lies. Thinking their paths would never cross but somehow, some way, they always seemed to. He knew her now, without any intention of her own. But, he had seen her. Now. In many different settings and with many different people. Lying. And here he was wanting to know the truth now.

She was weary. Very Very Weary. She didn't even know where to begin. And, the darkness, she feared the day it would come up with him. And, it would. It always did.

They say a picture is worth a million words but she had no pictures. All she had was This. Here. Now. And how he wanted to a part of it! She didn't know how to handle all of it.

How does a person love when they have never been loved? She'd been wanted. Yes. That beauty... it drew everyone towards it. But, love. Genuine Love. That was so foreign.

She feared him. Joshua. If she saw him; She Hid. But, some how, he always surprised her. Somehow he always knew where she was and where she had been.

This was terrifying.
She had always succeeded at remaining elusive.